The List
by WentToManderleyAgain
Summary: I know plenty of guys. I know nice guys, funny guys, rude guys, crude guys. I just never thought I'd add Remus to the list of the rude and perverted. One-shot RL/OC


The List

Summary: I know plenty of guys. I know nice guys, funny guys, rude guys, crude guys. I just never thought I'd add Remus to the list of the rude and perverted.

XYZ

Alexis Johnson's Top 5 List of the Rude and Crude Boys

1. Sirius Black (this is kind of a given)

2. Aaron Butler (I can't believe he's actually a Hufflepuff)

3. That 3rd year Gryffindor (it starts so young . . .)

4. John O'Brian

5. James Potter

Alexis Johnson's Top 5 List of the Nice and Sweet Boys

1. Remus Lupin (isn't that kind of obvious?)

2. Jake Creevey

3. Arthur Weasley

4. Kingsley Shacklebolt

5. Jonathan Miller

XYZ

Yesterday was a semi-ordinary day. The only reason it could be considered abnormal was because during potions, Lily Evan's cauldron exploded. Everyone was in shock, especially Lily and Slughorn. Personally, I think someone tampered with it, but that's a story for another day.

When I woke up the next morning, I didn't know something was off. I didn't know that I would be doing a serious revision to my top 5 lists. I mean, who in the world could anticipate this sort of thing? I know that I sure as hell didn't.

I was walking through the corridors to the Great Hall. Was it just me, or was there a lot of whispering going on right now?

When I entered the Great Hall, I noticed that it appeared to be louder than normal. With furrowed eyebrows, I headed toward the Hufflepuff table and sat down. My friends abruptly stopped talking.

"What's going on?" I asked, placing some food on my plate.

My best friend, Anne, looked away awkwardly.

Confused, I turned to my other friends and repeated the question.

Kristy tucked a brown strand behind her ear and forced a smile on her face.

"Nothing!" She said in her sugar sweet voice. I glared at her, annoyed that she was lying to me.

"Might as well tell her." John Creevey muttered.

"Tell me what?"

John handed me a piece of paper.

"You might as well see this."

I glanced down, confused.

The Official Guide to the Hottest Girls of Hogwarts

1. Alexis Johnson

2. Lily Evans

3. Allison Smith

4. Kristy Jacobs

5. Anne O'Malley

At this point, I couldn't keep reading.

"What. The. Hell." I growled, feeling a sudden urge to rip the paper to shreds.

Anne shrugged.

"Some assholes decided to be asses, per usual, and ranked girls." She replied easily, taking back the paper.

"Clearly." I muttered.

But all of a sudden, I felt self-conscious.

Like, really, _really _self-conscious.

As in I-feel-like-everyone's-staring-at-me kind of self-conscious. I could barely take a bite of food, without feeling like some pervert was staring at me.

"I feel nauseous." I muttered, pushing away my plate and getting up. "Bye." I walked fast towards the exit.

A wolf-whistle followed me out.

Oh, dear Lord.

I was in Potions when it just seemed to get worse.

People were _talking _about it. Constantly!

It was as if that was the only thing they could possibly talk about.

Merlin, Hogwarts might as well give up its school façade and admit it's really just a teen gossip mill. I've heard first years debating on whether or not Lily Evans should have gotten the top spot!

It was mortifying.

Boys were discussing whether or not they agreed with the list. A very popular opinion is that Lily Evans far deserved to be number 1. I should be number 3 at best.

You know what I hate most about this stupid list?

The fact they made it completely and utterly public.

I'm not criticizing them for making a list—it's not like I don't do it. But to show it to everyone . . . It's like putting girls self esteems up for slaughter.

What about the girls who were ranked low?

Heck, what about the girls who weren't ranked at all?

It wasn't nice, either, to be ogled openly. It's like the Merlin-damned list gave them all written permission to stare at all my assets, and compare them to other girls.

I sat down at the Hufflepuff table with a huff.

"Men. Are. Jerks." I stated bluntly.

Jake rolled his eyes.

"Wow, thanks, Alexis." He said sarcastically.

"Sorry, Jake, but guys have been going around, staring at my boobs and my ass all day!" I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest protectively.

"They're jerks, Alexis. Forget 'em." Jack replied easily, taking another bite of some food.

I sighed.

"Yeah, I guess I should. I just feel like everyone's staring at me. People are debating why I got number 1 as opposed to Lily!" I rolled my eyes a little at that.

Clearly the guys who made the list were drunk.

Suddenly I paused.

"I'm going to go talk to Lily." I decided, getting up and walking over to her.

She was sitting alone, on the end of the Gryffindor table.

"Hi, Lily." I said cheerfully, sitting down across from her.

"Er, hi." She said awkwardly, taking a bite of her toast.

"Listen, you're in the same boat as I am." I began, but she interrupted me.

"Aren't you having it a little worse though?" she asked.

I shrugged.

"I guess I might be, but I'm not really sure. People have been comparing us constantly!" I groaned.

Lily's eyes widened.

"They have?" she asked nervously.

I nodded.

"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

"It's fine. It's just . . . awkward."

I smiled sympathetically.

"I know."

Suddenly a few voices drifted over to where we were sitting.

"Lily's much hotter than Alexis!" One person objected.

"No, Alexis is much better than Lily. Have you seen her in Potions? She's hot when she's concentrated."

Despite the fact I felt an urge to snort at the comment about me, I felt my eye twitch. This was so annoying. And we were right here! People have no respect.

"What do you think, Remus?" voice one asked.

Wait, Remus?

You're joking.

It's the freaking Marauders?

And they're asking _Remus? _He's freaking celibate!

"Oh, dear Lord." Lily muttered, hiding her face in her hands.

"Alexis." Remus answered almost immediately.

Voice two, whom I have now deduced to be Sirius, cheered.

"I knew I was right!" he cried.

I, like Lily, hid my face in my hands.

"You've got to be kidding me." I muttered under my breath.

"Why would you pick her?" Voice one asked, whom I have now deduced is James. Not that it was too hard, really.

"Do I really have to answer that?" Remus asked miserably.

"Yes." Sirius and James responded in unison.

"I just want to cover my ears." I whispered.

Just as Remus started responding, Lily clasped her hand over my ears.

"Lily!" I hissed, not able to hear them anymore. "What are you doing?"

Of course, I couldn't hear myself anymore, either, so it really could of just come out as a jumbled mush of words, such as "Lfsd! Fdkj fsa aeg rgvfd?" Which, mind you, is completely possible. Knowing me, at least.

After what felt like a minute, Lily took her hands off my ears.

"What was that about?" I asked, rubbing my ears.

"You do _not _want to hear what Remus said." She replied, brushing some of her bright red hair out of her eyes.

"Remus Lupin is capable of being vulgar?" I asked doubtfully, raising an eyebrow.

"Well . . ." Lily started.

I sighed.

I had enough of this.

I stood up and rushed out of the Great Hall, tears pricking my eyes.

I've had enough of this.

I headed up to my bed in the Hufflepuff dormitory, took out two sheets of paper, and started working.

Alexis Johnson's Revised Top 5 List of the Rude and Crude Boys

1. Sirius Black

2. James Potter

3. Remus Lupin

4. Aaron Butler

5. 99% of the Hogwarts male population

After finishing that, I sighed and looked it over.

Let's face it, I can't exactly move Sirius Black from the top of the list. After some editing, it was finished.

Alexis Johnson's Revised Top 5 List of the Nice and Sweet Boys

1. Jake Creevey

2. Arthur Weasley

3. N/A

There.

Now that I at least let out my frustrations in one way, I closed my eyes.

Time to go to sleep.

XYZ

I woke up to see Anne standing over me, her lips pursed.

"We," she announced. "Are going to go make guys drool." She grinned.

"Aren't we already doing that?" I sighed.

She smiled wider.

"Yes, but we are going to _even more._ I even invited Lily."

I raised an eyebrow, and stood up. Sure enough, Lily was standing by the bathroom.

She shrugged.

"I've got nothing to lose."

XYZ

I stared at myself in the mirror.

I looked . . . sort of sexy. I guess.

I don't know, I've never thought about myself in that way before.

Anne put my hair in waves and tossed it around a bunch.

To me, it looked just messy. But apparently that's hot.

She did my makeup very precisely. She put me in clothes that weren't too revealing, but revealing enough.

Huh.

I glanced over at Lily. Anne had worked her magic on her as well.

"Hey, Anne? Why are we doing this?" I asked her.

Anne was carefully applying mascara in the mirror. After she finished, she straightened up and looked at me.

"So we can feel a little better about ourselves. Not just about some list." She replied, putting away the mascara.

I thought about it for a second.

You know, Anne was sort of right.

We shouldn't care about some stupid list. We should focus on how we ourselves feel.

"Let's go." Anne said with a smile.

We walked into the Great Hall, which was just as loud as normal. But this time, Lily went and sat with us.

"This isn't as bad as I expected it to be." I noted, sitting down.

Lily nodded.

"It really is, isn't it?"

That day in Transfiguration, I was partnered with Remus.

It sort of made me want to jump off a cliff.

"Hello, Alexis." He said kindly.

I nodded in response, taking out my wind.

He was acting like everything was perfectly normal.

Suddenly I heard Sirius making kissing noises at Remus.

I wanted to hit something. Badly. From the corner of my eye, I saw Remus blushing furiously.

Humph. Serves him right.

"Is something wrong?" he asked me curiously after I transfigured my mouse.

"No." I replied shortly.

He rolled his eyes.

"Sure, Alexis."

A few minutes later, we were still sitting there in silence.

I heard a few guys whispering behind me about the list again.

My hand twitched.

"Alexis-" Remus started.

All of a sudden, my hand was flying at his face with impressive speed.

CRACK!

Remus' nose snapped under my fist.

"Ms. Johnson!" Professor McGonagall cried, appalled.

Oops.

XYZ

After my lovely detention (please note sarcasm), Sirius Black and James Potter came up to me.

"What the _hell _was that about, Johnson?" Black asked, glaring at me slightly.

"Why are you interrogating me?" I asked, pushing past them with a roll of my eyes.

"Because you just scarred Remus Lupin for life!" Black cried, catching up with me.

I rolled my eyes once more.

"I'm sure." I replied, sarcasm dripping from every word.

"You did. The poor boy was going to ask you out on a date, and that's how you repay him." Potter made a tsk-ing noise. "Have you been taking lessons from Lily Evans?"

"D-date?"

He was going to ask me out on a _date? _What? Why?

"Well, obviously." James snorted.

I whirled around to look at him.

"Um, _no. Not _obviously." I hissed.

James stared at me.

"How did you _not know?"_

I crossed my arms, feeling a tad offended.

"I dunno, stop pressuring me."

"Well, Johnson, I think you ought to go apologize." Black decided, pushing me in the direction of the hospital wing.

"Eep!" was the sound I made as I landed on the steps.

Eh, might as well go.

XYZ

"Alexis?" Remus asked groggily, looking up at me from the hospital bed.

I smiled nervously, sitting on the bed next to his.

"Yeah. Sorry about your nose." I said, sitting Indian style on the bed.

He cracked a smile.

"It's fine."

I nodded slowly, looking around awkwardly.

We were silent for a little while.

"Why are you here, Alexis?" Remus finally asked.

I slumped.

"I have no idea." I murmured.

I'm too awkward to get a boyfriend.

He sighed.

"Hey, Alexis?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me?" he asked.

I beamed.

"Yeah."

XYZ

"You're going out with him?" Lily squealed.

I nodded.

"Yay!"

I smiled at her.

"Hey, Lily, what did he say about me that day?" I suddenly asked.

She grinned wider.

"He was revealing his plans to ask you out. I couldn't just let you hear that!"

Lily's a good friend.

XYZ

Alexis Johnson's Revised Revised Top 5 List of the Rude and Crude Boys

1. Aaron Butler.

2. That 3rd year Gryffindor (it starts so young . . .)

3. John O'Brian

4. Sirius Black

5. James Potter

Alexis Johnson's Revised Revised Top 5 List of the Nice and Sweet Boys

1. Remus Lupin

2. Jake Creevey

3. Arthur Weasley

4. Kingsley Shacklebolt

5. Jonathan Miller


End file.
